


the amplitude of grief, the pace of oscillating stars

by ShanleenKinnJaskey



Series: this strand of DNA between us [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: And some Gryffindor Pride, Body Image, Character Study, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Inter-House Friendships, Inter-House Relationships, Might as well get some Hufflepuff pride as well, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Ravenclaw Pride, References to Shakespeare, Sexuality, Slytherin Pride, Thestrals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-13 03:32:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5692918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShanleenKinnJaskey/pseuds/ShanleenKinnJaskey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Let's talk about Millicent Bulstrode, who got passed over because she wasn't pretty or ambitious enough.</p><p>Power can be beauty, it can be blood, it can be sneers and insults directed toward a person you don't understand. Power can be a scar on your forehead, it can facts recited a breakneck speed, it can be a sharp eye on the chessboard.</p><p>Millicent's power came from dances held in the back of empty classrooms, from a sharp eye and a keen wit. Her power came from watching people carefully, learning the way people worked and talked and lived. It came from befriending a lost boy and listening to a girl with extraordinary beliefs.</p><p>Power is what you make of yourself, what you do with the gifts you are given. Power is scars hidden under robes, a smile for a girl who always smiles back, and in knowing that you are doing things for the right reasons.</p><p>Luna Lovegood walked barefoot through life not because people stole her shoes but because she believed that all magic came from the earth. She built up callouses on her feet, and when people stole her shoes she just smiled and walked on concrete and cobblestones, not wincing once.</p><p>Colors of a robe do not make a witch or wizard- choices do. Character does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the amplitude of grief, the pace of oscillating stars

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dirgewithoutmusic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dirgewithoutmusic/gifts).



> Title is from "Light's Interrupted Amplitude" by Jay Wright.

The three children who gathered in the back corner of the library had many things that tied them together, but most prevalent among those were these three: burnt biscuits, thestrals, and strength.

 -

Let's talk about Millicent Bulstrode, about the girl with the cat who joined the Inquisition Squad in order to help her only two true friends, the girl who spent her fifth year in the corners of libraries and empty classrooms and laying in bed cuddling her cat.

Millicent strode through life not guarded nor open, not a snake nor a lion, but somewhere in between. She learned how to read people, how to worm her way into their trusts and confidences. In fifth year she stepped right up when Umbridge asked for volunteers for the Inquisition Squad and stretched out her hand for a badge, eyes beady and mind plotting. Yes, she would not learn practical spells in the Inquisition Squad, but she would learn intimidation and spying.

(She would learn practical spells, yes, but in between those lessons she would learn kindness and openness from an unappreciated boy and a dreamer.)

- 

Let's talk about Millicent Bulstrode, who got passed over because she wasn't pretty or ambitious enough.

Power can be beauty, it can be blood, it can be sneers and insults directed toward a person you don't understand. Power can be a scar on your forehead, it can facts recited a breakneck speed, it can be a sharp eye on the chessboard.

Millicent's power came from dances held in the back of empty classrooms, from a sharp eye and a keen wit. Her power came from watching people carefully, learning the way people worked and talked and lived. It came from befriending a lost boy and listening to a girl with extraordinary beliefs.

(Luna was not lost, not like Neville had been. Luna was lonely, but never lost. She knew who she was, what she had to offer, and never doubted herself for a moment.

But she  _did_ get lonely sometimes.)

Power is what you make of yourself, what you do with the gifts you are given. Power is scars hidden under robes, a smile for a girl who always smiles back, and in knowing that you are doing things for the right reasons.

-

Let's talk about Luna Loevegood, who wasn't necessarily brave either- her strength lied elsewhere. When Neville drew on memories of bravery and courage, stepped in front of the enemy with a quiet defiance that would surprise everyone, Luna remembered months stuck in the Malfoys' dungeons with a goblin, a wandmaker, and a Muggleborn, months spent teaching them about Nargles and Wrackspurts. Her words, her beliefs were her strength and protection.

Harry Potter met Luna Lovegood and thought _eccentric_. Ginny Weasley called her _loony_ , Hermione said what she believed in was _impossible_ , and Ron Weasley could just never understand her. Luna spoke soft words, the words of one who knows how words can hurt and is careful not to damage people's fragile hearts. She spoke to Thestrals and people equally, with a kind tongue and an avoidance of cruelty. She spoke words that bewildered people, words that took a kind heart to translate and understand.

Her mother's stories were her birthright, her inheritance, but she made them her own. Her father's beliefs she accepted, made them a part of her as much as she did Millicent and Neville's friendship. She had a choice and she made it, took words and stories and beliefs and made them her own.

People looked at Luna Lovegood and saw a dreamer. They called her 'Loony' for wanting to believe in something different, something oh so beautiful. They stole her shoes, her ties, and tried to steal her dignity.

What they didn't understand, though, was the Luna Lovegood's dignity did not stem from all the things they ought to have. A girl who twirled past all the Hogwarts houses wearing a hat that roared and took out lonely kids to introduce them to creatures they may or may not have been able to see- she does not draw strength or dignity from any normal place.

- 

You do not get to give one young girl weapons to defend herself and leave the other one out with the snakes based solely on the colors of the robes she wears.

Peter Pettigrew wore red and gold, Quirrell wore blue and silver. Colors of a robe do not make a witch or wizard- choices do. _Character_ does.

A little girl judged by her appearance, deemed ugly, less perfect, less _loved_ by those who do not know her- she needs spells and trust as much as the students of other houses do. She doesn't ask for much, just for you not to judge her by prejudice based on the actions of witches and wizards long dead and unconnected to her.

A little Ravenclaw and a under-appreciated Gryffindor? These are the ones who saw her, who understood her desire to be understood.

There was Luna Lovegood, a Ravenclaw, who walked barefoot through life not because people stole her shoes but because she believed that all magic came from the earth. She built up callouses and scars on her feet, and when people stole her shoes she just smiled and walked on concrete and cobblestones, not wincing once.

And she sat down next to Millicent, smiled at her in all her bizarre, misunderstood glory, and  _accepted_ her. Luna didn't villainize the green and silver on Millicent sleeves, didn't ignore it, but rather acknowledged it.

When they tell you that that Hufflepuffs are the only ones that are kind and loyal, don't believe them. When they tell you that Slytherins only care about themselves and Ravenclaws only care about learning, don't listen to that either.

-

Neville invited Luna and Millicent over to his house the summer before fifth year.

"Grandmother," Neville introduced his friends, "This is Luna Lovegood and Millicent Bulstrode. They're my best friends."

Augusta Longbottom looked over the two girl standing on either side of her grandson. On the left there was a willowy girl, all pale skin and billowing fair hair and rainbow baubles, who had a distant yet knowing look in her eyes. On the right was a girl who could not possibly be described as pretty- perhaps handsome would do- who had a slightly crooked nose, beady eyes, and a tabby cat tucked under her arm. Augusta looked at the silver and green on her cloak and took in the ferocity and stubbornness lining her features. 

One corner of Augusta's lips quirked up. "Come on in."

Neville's jaw dropped. 

 -

Luna Lovegood sees thestrals because she saw her mother die. When her mother died, Luna became determined to believe in her mother's stories, to never let anyone convince her that they were not true. She grew up at her father's side, always hunting for Crumple-Horned Snorkacks and never letting herself hurt others.

When Luna Lovegood was a child she came home with her pockets full of frog spawn and freshwater Plimpies, a garden gnome on her arm gnawing at the roots she had sewn in there. Her father hugged her, rhapsodizing on the benefits of gnome saliva, and Luna grinned as she followed him into the kitchen.

When Luna brought frog spawn into Hogwarts her first year, a prefect snapped at her to throw it out, so she carefully bundled it up and hid it in a small bowl of enchanted water under her bed, taking it out at night to watch as the frog eggs slowly grew into tadpoles and then into frogs.

Neville Longbottom sees thestrals because he saw his grandfather die, watched him peacefully pass away in his sleep. He watched his Gran wipe her eyes, tuck her handkerchief away into the pocket of her robes, and fix her clothing. He watched Gran collect herself, straighten her posture, and order him to _straighten up, young man._

(Years later he would realize that she was not doing it for the people outside, or even for herself- she was doing it for him, appearing strong for  _him.)_

When Millicent Bulstrode was fifteen she watched her cousin Ariadne get killed by a member of the Order of the Phoenix and felt satisfied.

(She knew when someone deserved to die. Millicent didn't feel guilty about it, and she didn't let that bother her. Neville and Luna never told her she was wrong, because even if they weren't so callous as she was they'd understand, at least a little, what it was like to look at a murderer, a torturer, and be okay with their death.

Ariadne deserved to die.)

They understood death, understood what it meant and how life had to continue afterwards. A seven-year-old feels grief when her mother dies, decides to cope in her own way- do not tell her she cannot comprehend what death means.

- 

Ravenclaw is the house of the truth, honor, and integrity. 

Luna saw the truth in the Snorkacks, saw the truth in believing in what others say is impossible. That's what Ravenclaw is about, right? Learning and seeing and hunting for things that others don't. During their Seventh Year, Luna Lovegood helped raise an army of spies, mother hens, healers, and soldiers alike, helped train students into warriors and taught them lessons they would never be able to forget for as long as they lived. Neville and Ginny stood by her side but she relied just as heavily on Millicent and her steadiness to get her through.

Millicent spent her seventh year in a pit of snakes, passing on valuable information to the dissidents hidden in the Room of Requirement. Astoria and her both spied, but it was much harder for Astoria to get her information to the the students fighting in the shadows. Astoria's friendship with Dean, Hannah, and Terry was out in the open- they danced together at the Yule Ball, even if she didn't join them in the DA- but Millicent's friendship with Luna and Neville took place in empty classrooms and the corners of libraries. She was safer- not safe, never  _safe_ , but safe _r_.

Don't minimize the risk she took, though. She would lay awake at night, picturing Neville up in the Room of Requirement and Luna locked up who knows where, possibly dead, and feel the fear turning her veins cold. She would not stop (could not stop) helping when her best friends were out their risking their lives, being brave in their own ways, but she was not doing this out of bravery. Millicent did not set out as a hero, like Harry, or a soldier, like Neville became. She was a spy and a soldier not because she was a hero, not because she was brave, but because she knew it was her duty.

Luna Lovegood was honorable, told the truth and held her integrity. Millicent Bulstrode was cunning and clever, ambitious but not in the typical way. Ambition is a strong desire to do or to achieve something, a feat of determination and hard work. Millicent Bulstrode wanted to save people and she did it. Not by being brave, but by doing everything in secret. She never took credit for it, instead letting Neville take the praise.

Millicent Bulstrode became mighty.

 

 -

People don't understand that  _different_ doesn't mean  _broken,_ doesn't mean  _lesser._

They'll look at Neville's lack of prowess in anything but Herbology, his clumsiness, and think that he's something lesser than them, a Squib. They'll call him 'Puff and powerless, klutz and good-for-nothing.

He will prove them wrong, in time- a shouted defiance, a flick of a sword, and off will come a snake's head- but for now he would have to listen to their words and defy them quietly, proving his usefulness and talent by helping his friends and comforting those who some might say don't deserve comfort.

They'll look at Luna and think loony or eccentric. They'll think she went mad when her mother died, that something inside her broke. They'll call her  _Ophelia,_ derision in their tone, call her the mad girl destined to end chasing the fragile thing that will lead to her death.

Dolores Umbridge will make her sit down at a desk and carve the words _I will not tell lies_ into the back of her hand. Umbridge will tell her not to talk about Snorkacks and Nargles, not to pretend that the impossible is real. Luna will sit there and remember that Neville and Millicent are waiting in the library, that the D.A. is waiting in the Room of Requirement.

She will not let Umbridge break her. She would bleed and she would bare it as she had to, letting her thoughts flit away as she carved bleeding lines into the raw skin on the back of her hand but she will not let Umbridge hurt her, convince her that her convictions are wrong.

When you have survived years of people telling you that you are insane, that your words and beliefs mean nothing, a toad in pink won’t do anything.

(Cruel people employ the same tricks.)

They'll look at Millicent, at how she's not as pretty or as ambitious at any other Slytherin girl, and call her _ogre_.

(She was eight the first time she heard the word _troll_  flung behind her back, and eleven the first time her supposed 'friends' would do it.

It takes until she is thirteen to realize that she is not ugly.) 

Slytherin is the house of the cunning and the ambitious, the clever and the mighty.

Millicent took people underestimating her and turned it into power. She took people's sneers and insults and turned them into armor, turned them into weaons of her own. 

Squib. Ophelia. Ogre. 

Don't try to tell me that children aren't cruel, that what they do and say doesn't hurt. Being told you are broken, that you are lesser- that leaves scars as surely as a werewolf bite does.

- 

Let's say that Luna traveled to South America and met a man named Rolf Scamander. She will fall in love and end up marrying him, but be sure to make note of this- he will not _heal_ her, save her from her demons. She has demons, yes, but she is strong enough to take them on her own. He will give her strength, bolster her in ways that Millicent and Neville cannot, but it will not be him that will stop her nightmares.

She will kiss him good night and know that he will be there if she wakes up shaking, but she will not rely on him to erase her bad memories.

This is key: she will not rely on her husband to save her, and Rolf knows this. He admires Luna for every way others thought her broken, but he knows that he is not her savior. He knows that he will never quite understand her the ways Neville and Millicent do, but he'll know her in other ways, ways that no one could ever get close enough to her to find out.

Like the fact that she was only ticklish on the bottoms of her feet, or the way the left side of her lips quirked up when he kissed her cheek. The way she laughed when one of their sons did something silly, or the way her body tensed when she was having a nightmare.

-

Let's say that Millicent finds a lover. Let's say she _doesn't_. She's still the same person, carved from the same strong stone. Say she finds a lover- say, Susan Bones for example- or she doesn't. Say she's asexual or pan or bi or something in between. It doesn't matter, whether she finds a person to expose herself to or not.

Let's get this straight- either way, it will not define her. Her partner- or lack thereof- will not define her.

People will tell her that she's growing old, that she needs a man (or a woman) and there aren't many that will want her at her age.

( _Especially with those looks_ , they'll whisper.)

People will tell her that she's growing soft.

_(You got yourself a girlfriend? A Bones? How much of a muggle-lover are you?_

_How much of a_ freak _are you?_ )

On the evenings when she's worked all day, when she's tired and her feet ache and their words have actually gotten to her, she'll head over to Hannah and Neville's or Luna's.

(Later Rolf, once he and Luna return from South America, will end up being one of the people she'll rely on most. He knows what it's like to not feel like he lives up to others' expectations, others' opinions. He'll know how she thinks, even if he's a Hufflepuff. He's a people watcher too, observing and cataloging. The difference between them, though, is how they use that information- she uses it to make people work the way she wants to while he uses it to help people work the way they're supposed to.

But most importantly is that there is no judgement here, between the husband of a effervescent adventurer and the girl who defines herself by how much she can help. Yes, she uses her people-watching skills to make people work the way she wants them to but just as often as not the way she wants them to work is the way they're supposed to, healthier and happier than they are now.

Rolf will turn to her one night as they sit over coffee and wait for Luna to get home and say _you would have done well in Hufflepuff._

She'll take a sip of her tea and reply _I belong in Slytherin. They needed me. I learned what things that benefited me, benefited everyone. I belonged there, amongst the clever and the cunning._

He'll quirk a smile (he has a special kind of smile, the kind that makes a person feel and safe and warm just by staring at it. He also has a scar, a small one that runs through his upper lip, and this is what Millicent looks at, takes interest in. She doesn't trust him because of his smile, like everyone else does- she trusts him because he's scarred and flawed like they are.) and say _I know._ )

-

This is not a story about love. It is not a story about redemption. It is the story of two girls and one boy slowly growing down into themselves and growing out the world around them, getting scarred and learning their way through things. 

This is not a story of relying on others to be rescued, not a story of waiting around. This a story of support, of learning that leaning on others is not a bad thing. It is not weak to ask a friend for help, to offer out a hand to one in need.

People are not stone or iron, diamonds or water. They are flesh and blood, with ink pressed into the creases of their hands and dirt encrusted under their toenails. They are the stories of their fathers and the beliefs of their mothers, scars and memories and experiences faded but never completely forgotten. They are not broken, not _lesser_ , no matter how different they are- they're just themselves.

They're fractured, and cracked, but never broken. No, never broken.


End file.
